Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Wake me when AI does housework
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?