[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
man: wait
time: no
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.