This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.