Love it! 👍😂
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed