BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
You Might Also Like
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol