Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen