Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
im 7 sauces long
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah