summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Beware of fowl play.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.