ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Is this a threat?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.