Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT