Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.