You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.