Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
found this cool rock hiking today
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”