Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
We like the way Dwight thinks
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.