I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
New mindset, who dis?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
we all know this pain all too well
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this