[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty