My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?