ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Des Moines Police having a normal one
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally