There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You Might Also Like
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Snapes on a plane.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Thursday
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”