shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.