The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
You Might Also Like
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him