My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.