I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You Might Also Like
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron