To the max.. 😂
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can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The “baby” on the left….
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left