[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Ron is short for Aaronald
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.