*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots