inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
This forever.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I’m going to need a moment here.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.