Trying
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*