The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We鈥檒l see who鈥檚 overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I don鈥檛 trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: hi 馃檪
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: I can鈥檛 wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I鈥檓 not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.