How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
The French cow says MEUX…
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow