Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.