5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
If only
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
This is hilarious….
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station