My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
You Might Also Like
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.