I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
plant them where lol
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me