I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
This raises questions
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids