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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
😲 WTF? 😆
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Sign of the day..
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate