I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence