[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
how to have an accident 101
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.