“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*