Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
birds and squirrels envy us
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.