The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.