*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.