I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.