Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.