I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.