Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
not to brag, but mine was free
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo