My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I know this now 😂
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Watermelon Boss!
Where is your GOD now????
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.