The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Become ungovernable.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.