movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.