I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
new shirt idea
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start